My mom had a recent scare and it’s been a pretty scary scare.
I’ve never thought about life without my parents as I’m so use to having them and use to them being there.
This last week has been tough on me. I realized how much it’s impacted me the thought of one day having to part ways with my parents.
I’m not dependent on my parents but in a way I am. It’s just knowing they are there.
I’ve not made sense the last few days. My heads only been on one thing and I should have just taken off and gone to be with my family but I said to my myself, well I have so many other priorities. Today I realized it’s not important, any priority in life can wait. I’m not helping others when my hearts with my family. I barely made any sense in the last few days, to my friends, to my dogs, to my fiancé and I kept thinking maybe “I need to talk to someone”.
It’s insane how a scare like this can impact a person. Everyone deals differently, I’m well aware of that, but the same thought was going through my head everyday since my mom had her accident “what if I lose her and I’m not there”? I’d never forgive myself. NEVER. My moms already an emotional wreck most days but this will create more emotions then I think she’ll be able to handle and I keep thinking “am I being a good daughter”? The truth is we all have different ideas of what a perfect person is, be it a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend… we are all so different in how we think and what we expect.
I’ve spent most of my life pleasing others. Most of my life trying to be the perfect person, the perfect child, perfect worker, perfect sister, perfect friend, perfect spouse, perfect dog mom…that somewhere along me trying to achieve what I felt was perfection I lost myself. I need to find myself somehow and maybe this was the rude awakening I needed. To realize that “hey you can’t function properly when you’re in this irate state”! Which I can’t! I can’t think, do and breathe correctly as all the fears and thoughts of losing my parents cloud my head.
I should just sell everything and move back home but I’m not going to act on impulse as much as my heart wants to. I’ve decided time with family is what I need and what my heart needs. Sometimes tragedy is the breaking point in a persons life. I don’t want to know how I’d deal with tragedy as my moms situation has been enough tragedy for my heart to handle.
We all as humans deal differently. I use to be the person that kept it all together but I no longer can keep my emotions together. If I could I’d save the world but I need to save myself first…